The Lutheran guy who spoke last night said something funny. The reason it's so funny is because it's so true, and yet the fact that it's true is very sad. He sarcastically advised that all Christians should go to college, surround themselves with people who think the exact same way they do, find one to marry, breed, and then die.

I think we've all known at one time or another the incredible peace that comes with truly knowing we are doing exactly what God wants us to do. I am pretty desperate for that peace. I need to be patient. I need to be quiet enough to listen and trusting enough to respond.

It's really tiring that I waste so much time worrying about myself.

I've been re-reading Blue Like Jazz. I had forgotten how good it is. I just read through one of my favorite parts where he talks about how he used to have a lot of trouble accepting God's grace. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. He describes a time when he was at the grocery store, and goes into detail about the woman in front of him pulling out food stamps to pay for her groceries. He desribes how awkward and uncomfortable the interaction is. The woman never lifted her head as she organized her bags of groceries and set them into her cart. She walked away from the checkout stand in the sort of stiff movements a person uses when they know they are being watched.
I realized that it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away.
I wonder what it would feel like to use food stamps for a month. I wonder how that would feel, standing in line at the grocery store, pulling from my wallet the bright currency of poverty, feeling the probing eyes of the customers as they studied my clothes and the items in my cart. I would want to explain to them that I have a good job and make good money.
I love to give charity, but I don't want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace.