I feel homesick for Standing Rock. I loved the trip. I was nervous about it because we didn't seem prepared but I just can't believe the way we pulled everything together. We were flexible and responsive to what God wanted us to do, and when given responsibiliy we just flew with it. Seriously I am so impressed with a lot of people in our youth group for the things they did for the team.
I feel like I've been given new life. Doors have been opened.
I feel ready to let people in. I know I always put my guard up but I know Jesus is changing me in that way.
It's tough to come back home. It always is and yet I'm never comletely prepared to deal with all the strangely familiar emotions I get during this transition back into "normal" life. I miss the reservation and everything about it.
I have to do Pathways. I have growing up to do, on so many levels and in so many ways...but I would love it. I love getting to know those people and it's exciting to think about what could happen in over 2 months. It's amazing; the Spirit is so real and alive at camp St. Gabriel. I told MaryAnn, I can walk into that chapel at any given moment and feel a peace I've never known before.
I have to work hard at relationships. I have to be praying for other people. A lot. I have to be seeking God in everything. I have to be asking for courage that I might truly be light to the world and salt to the earth, and help others be so too.

Orientation was fantastic! I'm so excited about starting in the fall!...I wish it were August now. I read in Shadow of the Almighty a letter from Jim Elliot to his younger sister as she was getting ready to enter high school, and he told her:
"Begin each day with private reading of the Word and prayer. Bunyan has well said, 'Sin will keep you from this Book, or this Book will keep you from sin.' Make a bold start- it's easier that way, rather than trying to begin halfway through."
I really really want to make a bold start. I want to go into college comfortable with who I am in Christ.

Until then, I hope the next two months are amazing. Our mission team leaves for Standing Rock in about 3 days. I am scared that we are not ready. We've practically been tearing ourselves apart, tearing the whole team apart, before we even leave...with one of the devil's strongest weapons:: gossip. I hate it. Passionately. I hate it because it's so sneaky. I mean you can act lustful or angry or jealous and you almost immediately feel some sort of conviction, some acknowledgement of wrongdoing. But gossip slips in so casually and ruins relationships and ruins perspectives and ruins hearts. And I hate it. And struggle with it.
I know that prayer is the most powerful defense/offense in the situation. And yet sometimes nothing seems to move from my head or heart to my lips. OH THAT GOD WOULD MAKE US DANGEROUS!!!!
I hope we will radiate His joy.

I've been tempted to date lately...for the mere sake of dating and for the comfort. But I think the pain of ending a relationship and the healing time afterwards are not worth the goodness of romantic relationships that were never meant to be in the first place. I'm starting to understand what Brandon was talking about when he said we should only date with marriage in mind. You give so much in a relationship. Oftentimes physically, which is destructive in itself, but you give soo much emotionally. So much of your heart to each person you're involved with...and that takes time to heal when it's cut off.

When God is directing two people's lives and it's in His will for them to be together, there are still going to be some crappy times, some obstacles to overcome. But it's awesome in that they get to experience it together. Usually the struggles bring them closer.
However, when two people get involved who were never meant to have such an intimate relationship, unnecessary problems arise. Jealousy. Bitterness. Added stress and pain. Distractions from our purpose here. All sorts of things that could have been prevented. We are supposed to look at members of the opposite sex as our brothers and sisters. It can be ridiculously hard.
But no matter how tempting it is sometimes to be considered attractive, in a worldy sense...I shouldn't be concerned with it.
I'm here to encourage people, not to bring them down.
I have to prepare myself to deal with those temptations-- I can't pretend like they don't exist. Because there is so much at stake-- "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).