The Lutheran guy who spoke last night said something funny. The reason it's so funny is because it's so true, and yet the fact that it's true is very sad. He sarcastically advised that all Christians should go to college, surround themselves with people who think the exact same way they do, find one to marry, breed, and then die.

I think we've all known at one time or another the incredible peace that comes with truly knowing we are doing exactly what God wants us to do. I am pretty desperate for that peace. I need to be patient. I need to be quiet enough to listen and trusting enough to respond.

It's really tiring that I waste so much time worrying about myself.

I've been re-reading Blue Like Jazz. I had forgotten how good it is. I just read through one of my favorite parts where he talks about how he used to have a lot of trouble accepting God's grace. It seemed wrong to me not to have to pay for my sin, not to feel guilty about it or kick myself around. He describes a time when he was at the grocery store, and goes into detail about the woman in front of him pulling out food stamps to pay for her groceries. He desribes how awkward and uncomfortable the interaction is. The woman never lifted her head as she organized her bags of groceries and set them into her cart. She walked away from the checkout stand in the sort of stiff movements a person uses when they know they are being watched.
I realized that it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away.
I wonder what it would feel like to use food stamps for a month. I wonder how that would feel, standing in line at the grocery store, pulling from my wallet the bright currency of poverty, feeling the probing eyes of the customers as they studied my clothes and the items in my cart. I would want to explain to them that I have a good job and make good money.
I love to give charity, but I don't want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace.

"Jesus' instructions with regards to judging other people is very simply put; He says, 'Don't.' The average Christian is the most piercingly critical individual known. Criticism is one of the ordinary activities of people, but in the spiritual realm nothing is accomplished by it. The effect of criticism is the dividing up of the strengths of the one being criticized. The Holy Spirit is the only one in the proper position to criticize, and He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding. It is impossible to enter into fellowship with God when you are in a critical mood. Criticism serves to make you harsh, vindictive, and cruel, and leaves you with the soothing and the flattering idea that you are somehow superior to others. Jesus says that as His disciple you should cultivate a temperament that is never critical. This will not happen quickly but must be developed over a span of time. You must constantly be aware of anything that causes you to think of yourself as a superior person.
There is no escaping the penetrating search of my life by Jesus. If I see the little speck in your eye, it means I have a plank of timber in my own (see Matthew 7:3-5). Every wrong thing that I see in you, God finds in me. Every time I judge, I condemn myself. Stop having a measuring stick for other people. There is always at least one more fact, which we know nothing about, in every person's situation. The first thing God does is to give us a thorough spiritual cleaning. After that, there is no possibility of pride remaining in us. I have never met a person I could despair of, or lose all hope for, after discerning what lies in me apart from the grace of God."

-My Utmost for His Highest